The Life of Death

This topic seems to be coming up alot these days. I dont really know why. Somehow, this is probly the ONE topic that always makes me nervous and panic. Personally, I have never encountered death at a close range before. Both my parents are still with me (thank god!), my grandparents died before I was born, and with the exception of a *distant* uncle who passed away two years ago, I never experienced what losing someone feels like.

And quite frankly, I never want to. Sometimes, I would like to think that when people die, they go to a better place. But do they really? I'm not sure I believe in heaven or hell, or life after death. In that place, there is nothingness. A black hole? Cant really imagine anything. My small feeble brain cant even comprehend it, and that's how overwhelming Death makes me.

Recently, I found out that one of my friend's dad passed away almost three years ago. On one hand, I cant really empathise with her. I'm ashamed to say that. I had nothing to say. "I'm sorry". But somehow, that doesnt really cut the cake. Silence ensues into awkwardness. All I can do is pat her arm.

But on the other hand, I think she is one of the most courageous person I have yet to meet. She is so young. Yet she has already experienced such heartache. I have only become close to her this year, and I have to say, she is one of the nicest, most easy going person ever. Just looking at her, I would have never guessed that just a few years ago, she lost her father. Not only that, it happened during her HSC year. I wonder how she got through it?

Personally, I cant even imagine any one of my family members passing away. Sometimes, I try to think of the future when I'm attending my dad's funeral, or any one of my uncles or autie's in Malaysia. I mean, they are quite old (60yrs- almost 80yrs!), and one of them quite sick as well. In a way, I try to prepare myself. But I just cant comprehend that 'future'. I try to think of it, but my heart pounds so fast, my chest starts to ache, and there is that familiar prickling at the corner of my eyes.



I just cant.

I remember I once asked my dad, "What will happen if one of us dies?".
And he said: Life will just go on.

Just as simple as that? Apparently so.
"Won't you cry, or feel numb, sick, depressed etc?"
He said: "sure, I'll feel sad. But when I die, you shouldnt cry. Just think that I have had a good life, and its now my time to move on".

wow. like...f***! I would totally sink into depression! Even just thinking about it now, I cant even see the future. What would I do? What will I think? I dont think I could ever function!


...what a weakling =(



I remember the time back in high school when I thought of Death as such a trivial matter. Or rather, Life was trivial. I used to be depressed everytime I got into a fight with my sister (which is almost every second day!), and then I would wish that she was dead. Or that I was dead. I even have a suicide letter to prove it! Now when I think back to those naive times, I think I was really stupid. In many ways, I'm still not mature. But to think that I used to talk about and handle such matters so lightly...



I really admire those who have gone through this painful stage in their life. Its not easy. I dont know it. But just the fact that I cant even think of that phase in my life...


I'm too scared to even go there. Yet, I know that it will come.

Why cant life just go on....

...and on...